New Computer Is Faster Than Ever

Silicon Valley (NBp) - Computer industry veterans were surprised when a major computer manufacturer unveiled a new computer system today that is even faster than last year's model.

"We're going to run this as our lead story," exclaimed Computers for People (CP) Magazine editor Elron Q. Rothhudson. "This is the fastest computer I've ever seen!"

"It seems like only last month that we were hailing some computer or another as the fastest ever, but this one clearly beats that one," explained industry vet Lenora Julip. "Surely, you can't get any faster than this."

The new computer is touted as being so fast that the government considers it dangerous and requires each one to be sold with an armed guard stationed next to the computer 24 hours a day. Congress is currently considering laws to ban the new computers, claiming that it makes it easier for criminals to beat them at Quake.

Though a rival computer company is promising an even faster computer next month, Julip remains skeptical. "A faster computer? I'll believe it when I see it."

Ed. note: believe it or not, a leading computer magazine recently ran the bold headline "Fastest PCs Ever!". They could probably run this headline just about any month.