By Brady Carlson
Posted on June 7, 2000 8:44 am, in News Byproducts
(Be sure to catch Part 1 of this series - ed.)
We've got more of Hollywood's best, brightest and newest for you. Ok, we've got the newest, anyways...
THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT! NO, WAIT, IT'S MARTIN LAWRENCE- Martin's headed into a life of prop gags, but he keeps screwing them up. He tries for the pie in the face, but his aim is a little worse than the average Imperial Stormtrooper. He tries Three Stooges-style slapstick, but his straight man, NFL great LAWRENCE TAYLOR, punctures his lung while high on crack. He even tries Gallagher's Sledge-o-Matic, but whacks a bowling ball instead of a melon and gives himself a concussion. To solve his problems, Lawrence travels to Tibet to learn from Buddhist masters and overcomes his fear of smoked turkey. Drama.
LIFE, VERSION 2.0- Those plucks teen idols, REESE WITHERSPOON and JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT die in a suicide pact but are sent back to Earth by an angel (played by GLORIA STEINEM). Back in the land of the living, they decide to drop out of high school and form a limited liability corporation in the field of forensic chemistry. Meanwhile, hunky "Angel" star DAVID BOREANZ sells his soul to TONY DANZA, who promises to smother the entire town in marshmallow fluff. Teen Comedy.
FLAG DAY II: ALIENS GO DOWN- Space aliens not only infiltrate planet Earth without our knowing, but they also buy up all the cute puppies and leave us with the runts. WILL SMITH and JASON ROBARDS play cabaret dancers who are somehow considered Earth's last hope, and through determination and bribery turn a group of women's soccer coaches into an elite fighting force. Special effects are considered the best since 1942's MIRACLE OF PLANET SCARY. Sci-Fi.
THE ENCOURAGING DRIVER- It may take all summer to watch KEVIN COSTNER's new money vaccum, folks. He writes, directs and stars as a pool shark who takes a road trip to Dallas, Texas and meets the woman of his dreams (MARY STEENBURGEN). They marry the next day and he begins a stream of affairs, for he believes he is in FLAG DAY II and must sire enough warriors to prevent an apocalypse so dangerous that only a postal worker could save us. DENNIS HOPPER, giving a lecture to college-age Dalmatians, is sought out by Steenburgen; she seeks not only her philandering husband but a clue to finding her parents, who she believed were murdered over 500 years ago. If this wasn't enough, along comes REGINALD VELJOHNSON, who uses 10-10-321 to call DREW BARRYMORE and scare her a la "Scream." He introduces her to Costner and they- you guessed it- have an affair. Steenburgen must now make a crucial decision- either accept that Dennis Hopper is her father or completely disavow any involvement in the movie. Costner then spends 18 years roaming through Kuwait looking for his wristwatch. He finds it just in time to learn that his wife and mistress have both passed away. With the encouragement of the REF HOT CHILI PRPPERS, he decides to write an incomprehensible screenplay and slingshot launch himself into the restrooms of the Louvre, dying a hero's death. Costner's many conditions for making the film include hiring over 400,000 extras and then giving each a close-up and at least one speaking line; thus this film clocks in at over 72 hours. This $18 billion picture was financed in part by Costner's association with DEMONS, which were not only seen on the set but barked orders to everyone in plain sight. Sheesh. $^*#($!